So you think that you froze because you became a child when he began to unbutton?
In retrospect. But I felt guilty because I did nothing to stop it….
So you went back to find out why you did not resist?
Yeah …sort of….I felt nothing but disgust….
How could you doubt your own mind?
My body betrayed me….by passivity.
Were you convinced by the disgust that replaced fear?
The first man, to whom I told that I went back to find out if it was rape because I did not resist, slapped me.He was in love, he said(I believed it was love, since someone finally was at least trying to understand the truth ! Truth was so important to me) he said a woman who could freeze can she later muster enough courage to go back to find out?How truly impossible!
Yeah …. Impossible. That means I must have wanted it?
Actually I wanted to believe that I wanted it.
The perception of self towards an act in which I did not participate, yet it happened to me. I wanted to know the truth. About me…..
Error of omission does get misinterpreted as error of commission.
Now there is clarity. How?
I desired someone, years later. Then I knew the difference.
So, did you do it?
I had spent a life time in guilt, all I valued was innocence.
But you always were that, guilt was imagined.
Desire was also imagined.