I thought it was highway hypnosis , the way he answered every song that I hummed with another in the car drive . He converted a musical monologue in to a dialogue. I was humming songs to forget death . He was reminding me to live , they were love songs. Why did I start singing lullabies ? Did I know he had not slept in years ? Or was I missing my mother , who got jealous when father listened to me ? He stopped the car at a motel , drank as his family felt disrepute and innocently small. He looked at all the wrong places and it was enlightening to know he did not judge lust . But he judged virtue to be a sham , he did not understand it…..we passed a temple of Lion man . I felt a flash of a struggle. He fought fathers. All his life , the reasonable , the unreasonable fathers in general ….And all of a sudden I wanted my father like a little girl. I wanted to go home and not to the green room.